This last year without my Mom has by far been completely different than the others. It seemed to roll on by like the car cruising the highway on a summer day, windows down.
Am I busier? Is it easier?
I scare myself as a couple days go by and her memory hasn’t flooded my mind like it used to. Don’t get me wrong, she is ALWAYS there. Although it will be weeks before my heart aches for her as it used to on a daily basis.
What has changed? Am I stronger?
The other day she was with me in the kitchen. I’ve been listening to a lot of 60s rock because it reminds me of her. So here I was, cooking up a storm, belting at the top of my lungs, when all of a sudden my chest was heavy and it felt as if I couldn’t catch my breath. I sobbed straight in to the pot of food and if anyone would have seen me they would of thought I was losing it.
But it felt so good to feel her. I hadn’t felt her like that in months.
Dustin and I went to New York in April and the last time I was there I was with Mom. Our trip was one of the last things we did together, so of course my emotions were running high as we hit the streets of Manhattan. Dustin was so gentle with me and sat through every musical and play I dragged him to.
And then we ate at Da Marino’s. I had such an amazing memory of Mom and I stumbling across this tiny little Italian place that looked like a hole in the wall.
Da Marino’s is full of life, love and wine.
I tried to so hard to conjure up a distant memory of what our night was like at Da Marino’s and how the entire trip had felt so magical. Basically it turned into me crying into my very expensive ravioli, a lot of red wine and Dustin graciously paying the bill and walking us back to the hotel. I love that man.
When it comes to dance, my parents were always my biggest fans. They might have not always understood, but spent countless hours taking us from classes, to competitions and even across country.
I had known for awhile that I wanted to create a dance piece in memory of Mom. At first I wasn’t ready. Then I couldn’t find the perfect song. Until one day I was cleaning the house listening to Ed Sheeran’s new album when it hit me.
The words of his song spoke exactly what we had gone through with losing Mom and then Grandma a few short months later. I will forever be grateful for my sweet girls who so beautifully took on a highly emotionally piece for me. They danced with grace and beauty every single time.
This is the light that came from the dark.